this should bring a few smiles

Discussion in 'Just Sayin' started by Chitown599, Sep 12, 2011.

  1. Chitown599

    Chitown599 Administrator Staff Member Site Admin Site Moderator

    How to get to Heaven from Scotland …

    I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

    I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
    car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
    money to the church, would that get me
    into heaven?"

    "NO!" the children answered.

    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
    the garden and kept everything tidy, would
    that get me into heaven?"

    Again, the answer was 'No!'

    By now I was starting to smile.

    "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
    gave sweets to all the children and
    loved my husband, would that get me
    into heaven?"

    Again, they all answered 'No!'

    I was just bursting with pride for them.

    I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

    A six year old boy shouted,

    "Yuv got tae be fukin' dead"

    Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...
     
  2. kirby

    kirby New Member

    His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi ..... and he needed a loan, so.......
    he walked into a bank, might have been State Street and asked for the loan officer. Could of been Conley. :lol: He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

    The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

    Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

    Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Mississippi State , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else south of Boston can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

    His name was BUBBA....

    Keep an eye on those southern boys.. :wink:
     
  3. ppv

    ppv New Member

    I'm gonna have to tell this one to Phil Jackson when I see him. He'll get a kick out of this....
     
  4. bigguy

    bigguy New Member

    Subject: photography

    Making a Baby....

    This is hilarious!

    There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

    'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

    'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work ! with..'

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

    'It's ! true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

    'Tripod?'

    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

    Mrs. Smith fainted
     
  5. kirby

    kirby New Member

    Nice one Ron!!!
     
  6. DEREK

    DEREK Active Member

    A Liverpool fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Liverpool shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter .
    "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Liverpool fans in heaven."
    "What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
    "You heard, no dirty Liverpool fans."
    "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Liverpool supporter.
    "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
    "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
    "Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
    "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
    "Hmmm. Anything else?"
    "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
    "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss."
    Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns with God, who is wearing a Manchester United shirt.
    The Lord looks the bloke in the eye and says, "You have made some very nice contibutions to worthy causes as of late. So here's your thirty quid back, now fuk off".
     
  7. kirby

    kirby New Member

    Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville , MS . And bought a mule for $100.

    The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day..

    The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

    Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

    The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already.."
    They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

    The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
    Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

    The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

    Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

    A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

    "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

    They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
    Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

    The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
    Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

    Curtis and Leroy now work for the government!

    Limit all politicians to two terms.
    One in office
    One in prison............ :wink:
     
  8. kirby

    kirby New Member

    The Best Dear Abby Ever !!!

    Dear Abby,
    My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month. If I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
    The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious.
    One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.
    Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.
    It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
    Signed,
    Lost in DC
    -------------------------------------------------- -
    Dear Lost:
    Stop whining, Michelle.
    You get to live in the White House for free, you travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
    The rest of us are stuck with the SOB for two more years!
    Signed,
    Abby
     
  9. kirby

    kirby New Member

    Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? Bigguy knows all about this!!!.. :lol:

    It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shatty outlook on life.

    If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

    My public service is done for the day. :lol:

    Keep laughing...life is too short to take life too seriously... :lol: :lol:
     
  10. kirby

    kirby New Member

    EMPLOYEE NOTICE

    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
    economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of
    50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus
    creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

    This scheme will be known as RAPE ( Retire Aged People Early ).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered
    for the SHAFT program ( Special Help After Forced Termination ).

    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
    SCREW program ( System Covering Retired-Early Workers ).

    A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
    Congress deems appropriate..

    Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS ( Additional Income for
    Dependants & Spouse ) or HERPES ( Half Earnings for Retired personnel
    Early Severance ).

    Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
    SCREWED any further by Congress.

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
    ( Special High Intensity Training ) as possible. Congress has always
    prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

    Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT , please bring
    this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to
    give you all the SHIT you can handle.

    Sincerely,
    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives ( E.V.I.L. )

    PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas
    and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of
    the Tunnel has been turned off.
     
  11. AmericanBadAss

    AmericanBadAss Administrator Staff Member Site Admin

    Grandpa found Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet and asked if he could try one. The son said, "I don't know, they're very strong and expensive." "How much?" he asked. “$10 dollars a pill,” the son said. "I don't care. I'll try one, and leave the money under your pillow.” The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He tells Grandpa, "I said each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know, Grandpa replies, "the $100 is from Grandma"..
     
  12. AmericanBadAss

    AmericanBadAss Administrator Staff Member Site Admin

    "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
     
  13. CraigB

    CraigB Best looking Craig B in the forum! $:-{P> Staff Member Site Admin

    Shirley you must be joking! :p
     

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