For those who need a laugh this morning

Discussion in 'Just Sayin' started by Chitown599, Feb 10, 2011.

  1. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy.

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    A: No.

    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

    A: No.

    Q: Did you check for breathing?

    A: No.

    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    A: No.

    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
  2. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

    "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

    As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

    "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

    "Why?" asked the pilot.

    "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

    After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
  3. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.

    Chicago people sunbathe.

    50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

    Chicago people plant gardens.

    40 above - Italian cars won't start.

    Chicago people drive with the windows down.

    32 above - Distilled water freezes.

    Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

    20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.

    Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

    15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

    Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

    0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.

    Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

    20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.

    Chicago people get out their winter coats.

    40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.

    Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

    60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.

    Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it get cold enough.

    80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.

    Chicago people rent some videos.

    100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

    Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

    297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.

    Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

    460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.

    Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

    500 below - Hell freezes over.

    The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
  4. kirby

    kirby New Member

    After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

    His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar h...ome and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

    He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

    On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

    On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

    When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

    Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
    Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

    People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.

    The Maid quit.

    Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

    Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

  5. RP_BILL

    RP_BILL Member

    Costco doctor!...

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant with Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

    --Thank you for shopping @ Costco!--
  6. RP_BILL

    RP_BILL Member


    1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

    "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
    copulate me."

    2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

    "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

    3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:

    "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl." Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

    4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

    "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

    5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

    6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

    "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
    (Now that is beautiful)

    7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

    "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." and, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

    8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

    "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.."

    9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

    "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

    10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

    "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

    11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

    "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

    12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

    "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

    13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

    "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

    14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

    "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

    15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
    Phillips responded:

    "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
  7. CraigB

    CraigB Best looking Craig B in the forum! $:-{P> Staff Member Site Admin

    Ancient, but still funny! :wink:

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