For those who need a laugh this morning

Discussion in 'Just Sayin' started by Chitown599, Feb 10, 2011.

  1. Chitown599

    Chitown599 Administrator Staff Member Site Admin Site Moderator

    Just thought I would share these jokes with you this morning. Who knows, someone out there may need a laugh.
    ___________________________________________________________

    i went 2 to a burger van, where there's a beautiful woman in a bikini behind the till. the menu said..
    Hot Dogs: £1.50
    Beefburgers: £2.00
    Cheeseburgers: £2.50
    Handjobs: £5.00
    ...i said 2 the woman, "are you the one that does that handjobs?", she said yes!
    i said, wash your fukin hands, I want a cheeseburger
    ___________________________________________________________

    was on a plane and the captain said"" sorry but the engines are fucked and youve all got 5 minutes to live,,now a gorgeous blonde stood up threw off all her clothes and said,,"right which one of you men is gonna make me feel like a woman for the last time".. i jumped up threw of all my clothes ran over to her a promptly replied,,,,,"" iron these for me love"".....
    ____________________________________________________________

    Pastor John Flapps sees a lady church member gettin drunk in a pub. He tries 2 take her home but they fall & he ends up on top of her. Landlord shouts "Oi mate u can't do that in ere!" Rev replies "U don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps". Landlord says "Oh well, if yr that far in u may as well finish!
    ____________________________________________________________

    I just opened my freezer and saw a little alien having a wank. I said, "What the fuck are you doing ?"He said, "I cum in peas".
    ____________________________________________________________

    Boy asks his mum, "is it wrong to have a willy?""No,why?" she asks."Well, Dad"s sweating like fuck in the bathroom trying to pull his off!"
     
  2. JD

    JD New Member

    this is just what we need, an ongoing humor thread!

    Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot:

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
    Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

    In your 20's:
    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    In your 30's:
    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

    In your 40's:
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

    In your 50's:
    Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

    In your 60's:
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

    In your 70's:
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

    In your 80's:
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

    In your 90's & beyond:
    What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
     
  3. JohnP

    JohnP Member

    The Pastor Flapps one got me. Heard most of the others before, but that was funny.
     
  4. Wire

    Wire New Member

    For those that need a good laugh today. Check out a couple video's by The Lonely Island Boys

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzqAQRbmRXk

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0DeIqJm4vM
     
  5. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    Only a Farm Boy:

    A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

    “Is your Dad home?”
    “No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
    “Well, is your Mother here?”
    “No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
    “How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
    “No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
    The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
    “Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
    “Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘
    The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
     
  6. kirby

    kirby New Member

    Here's one for ya that really happened yesterday when I left work after 15 hours for the 6th straight day:

    This idiot decides to protest right in front of my Jeep and tosses an egg straight up into the air so I would'nt know where it came from.. :roll: :roll: To be continued.. :lol:
     
  7. kirby

    kirby New Member

    So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
    a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
    unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
    I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
    Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
    'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
    Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
    So I replied,
    'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
    Wal-Mart.'
    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work
     
  8. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
     
  9. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

    Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
     
  10. kirby

    kirby New Member

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  11. kirby

    kirby New Member

    This is an old one but still cracks me up...

    Satan and the Old Man

    A few minutes before church services start, everyone is sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, in a flash of light and a puff of smoke, Satan appears. The people scream and run out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. In seconds everyone is gone except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew. Satan walks up to the old man and says, "Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replies, "Yep, sure do."

    "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.

    "Nope," says the man.

    "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan

    "Don't doubt it for a minute."

    "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.

    "Yep."

    "And you're still not afraid

    "Nope."

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
     
  12. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  13. JD

    JD New Member

    Approximately 3 Minutes Inside The Head Of My 2 Year Old ~Jason Good

    Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.

    1.I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.
    2.I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
    3.GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
    4.I wanna open and close the thermostat.
    5.I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
    6.Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
    7.I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.
    8.I wanna pick up the cat by its head.
    9.I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
    10.HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.
    11.CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
    12.I HATE FRUIT.
    13.I want out of my chair.
    14.I wanna play with the iPad.
    15.I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
    16.I wanna take my pants off.
    17.I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
    18.I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
    19.I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
    20.I’m thirsty.
    21.No, not for that.
    22.Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
    23.Where’s Daddy?
    24.Where’s the cat?
    25.Where’s Mommy?
    26.SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
    27.Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
    28.Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.
    29.Hungry again. Never mind.
    30.I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
    31.STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
    32.Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
    33.Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
    34.WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
    35.Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
    36.I’m tired.
    37.I’M NOT TIRED!
    38.I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
    39.No, not inside either!
    40.I need to push some buttons right now.
    41.I hate this diaper.
    42.My eyes itch.
    43.WOW! Is this my toe?
    44.STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
    45.I hate these pants.
    46.This shirt itches.
    47.I’m tired.
    48.Stop asking me if I’m tired.
    49.Where’s that toy that goes beep?
    50.I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
    51.Put on my favorite song.
    52.Where’s the cat?
    53.What is UP with my shirt?
    54.Did I just hear a dog bark?
    55.YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
    56.I wanna see a dog.
    57.No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
    58.Is my penis still there? Good.
    59.I peed.
    60.I’m bored
     
  14. CraigB

    CraigB Best looking Craig B in the forum! $:-{P> Staff Member Site Admin

    From a 2 year old? Heck that sounds like a couple of the threads I've seen here! :twisted:
     
  15. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    1. A day without sunshine is like night.

    2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

    6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.

    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

    9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

    18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

    20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

    21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

    22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

    23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
     
  16. Shizzill

    Shizzill New Member

    A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
    As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
    He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
    “No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”
    “This is incredible,” said the first man.
    “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”
    The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
    This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”
    “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
    The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
     
  17. Chitown599

    Chitown599 Administrator Staff Member Site Admin Site Moderator

    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: love it
     
  18. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office.
    "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.

    "John," the new guy replied.

    The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

    The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

    ...

    The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
     
  19. CraigB

    CraigB Best looking Craig B in the forum! $:-{P> Staff Member Site Admin

  20. Dart_talker

    Dart_talker New Member

    When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for. Then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

    "What are you doing?" his mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained."I'm looking for the seal."
     

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